I’m supposed to be writing. I’m wanting to write. I am trying to write…
Oh, who am I kidding. I’m avoiding writing like it’s the pneumonic plague. So far this morning I’ve cleaned the living room, complete with rearranging furniture and setting up the Homeschool Desk (this needed to be done, yes, but…). I’ve started laundry, cleaned out from under the dining table (you wouldn’t believe what… oh, maybe you would). I’ve photographed snowflakes. I’ve edited photos. I’ve talked with a client about a book cover. I’ve opened the writing file.
If I had kittens, I’d be rotating them. Which sounds like fun, actually. I’ve tried putting on music, and then finding the right music (sometimes this is easy. Other times… it’s not). I did find the right music, but the story still isn’t flowing. It’s more lurking in there, and I feel like I need forceps to yank it out. Ok, maybe I’ve been reading too many medical books.
So I’ve poured my third cup of coffee, talked to the mailman, opened packages…
Ooh, look! New paper for the new printer. Maybe I should try out the new printer now? Yes. Oh, wait, I need to re-photograph the art. Um. This could snowball out of control. Stop and assess the time, Cedar. Right. Art stuff after the kids are home, because it doesn’t need my full mental capacity all the time. I can listen to enthusiastic summaries of obscure anime plots while I’m formatting and photographing. I can’t write while I’m helping with math homework. So I need to write now, not later.
Crud, did I plan Dinner? no, I did not. Wait, yes I did, and thawed the pork chops already, too.
Maybe if I do stream-of-consciousness long enough on the blog, the fiction will come unstuck and come out too. Kind of like mental lube. Why is it that I can spell thousands of words, but not the one that means fully awake and aware? I’m sure there is a metaphor there.
The Junior Mad Scientist realized earlier that in the jigsaw puzzles I’d bought a while ago was a 3D puzzle. So she built it. She came and showed it to me, and asked ‘can I make this part of school?’ of course she could – she was assigned work to identify the ship, look up the dates associated with it, and put those on her history timeline. Homeschool can be highly structured, but it can also incorporate some fun hands-on projects.
I know that in theory, writer’s block isn’t a real thing. I know that I should be able to simply start pumping words onto paper. But right now, knowing that, and actually putting words down are two different things. It’s not logical. I feel a lot of pressure to perform, and it’s wilting me. I need to write, on a deep, visceral level. And it’s this need that is paralyzing me, since I’m afraid that simply pushing words out will result in crap, and I don’t have time for crap. I also don’t have time for paralysis. I need the inside voices to wake up and talk to me, but the inside of my head is full of echoes.