Curmudgeon's Corner, family, Instructional, parenting

Fisking 27 Ways to be a Modern Man

Written by Sanford Begley

I’ve never fisked anything before, this much stupid annoyed me into doing it. For those of you who wish to see the original idiocy. No need really, I’ll be copying each point here before replying. His points will be in normal font, I’ll bold my replies.

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

Uhhmm, shoes to be fitted properly need to be tried on, that is especially true for “stylish shoes”, utter fail to grasp reality.

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

Actually, this one wouldn’t be too bad if he didn’t use too broad a brush. Acting confident helps you feel confident which helps you succeed. Knowing when you don’t have things under control and getting help is a hallmark of a man, boys and idiots are afraid to admit they can’t do everything.

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

Munching popcorn is loud? Not if you chew with your mouth closed! Now being considerate and not disturbing others is a great mark of manhood, the example is that of a moron.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch

Really? A man eats the part he likes, the tidbits he doesn’t care for make his dog happy. Steak isn’t a privilege, it is a food you can buy. If you are going to pay good money for something enjoy it, don’t suffer for it. If it comes at a restaurant improperly prepared send it back like a man, don’t tolerate it like a wussy.

5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, at least an analog one is.

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

The kids need to learn to be responsible for their own stuff, and the wife is an adult, treat her like one.

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

I don’t care for Mountain Dew, but I’ll keep them in the house if a regular visitor does. For that mattes I’ll buy myself a Grape Nehi if it is what I want. A man drinks what makes him happy and doesn’t suit his consumption to what some sissy boy thinks is manly. That type of behavior should have been over with in your early teens.

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

And this moron gets to decide what is proper? Instead of, oh say, people who actually use the damned things?

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

Having a daughter makes a man a father, same as a son would. Parenting is a learning experience, but someone is way too stuck on showing his feminine side.

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

You know? I learned that about age 6. Someone is trying really hard to show he sides with feminists because he isn’t man enough to ignore them

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

I don’t tweet, twitter is for twits. If I did and I thought something needed pinned I would pin it. I don’t allow Omega males dictate my activities.

12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

OK, OCD much?

13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

Well if he wanted to he could, or opera, or Kidzbop if that is what he likes. What he shouldn’t do is listen to crap he doesn’t want to because some Omega wuss says so.

14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

A man jots down notes in whatever method he is comfortable with. I use paper, a friend of mine still uses a PDA, provided he isn’t writing it on the backs of naked slave girls, who care how a man makes notes?

15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

A man has whatever kind of flooring he likes. A man also doesn’t have to have designer name shoes to wear. And if he is doing stompy foot to demonstrate his power to his kids he has LOTS more issues than flooring!

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

OK, good attitude up to a point. A man should put himself between his wife and harm’s way. Having a gun so you can just shoot the bastard is better than holding him off while the wife tries to run. Getting in the way of her shot is a bad idea.

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

 

Could you possibly make a more FABULOUS statement?

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

Actually, if a man needs a shoehorn he buys one, if he doesn’t then he doesn’t. Not a lot of thinking about it required.

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

A man buys flowers for his wife because of whatever reason he wants. Flowers are not a good way to say that you are sorry. Apologizing and trying to do better is the right way to do it.

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

Deciding how to cuddle with the wife based on feeling vulnerable? You don’t really grasp the concept of cuddling do you? Cuddling should give and receive comfort, position is irrelevant.

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

Why would anyone scold his child, or anyone else for an involuntary action? Sounds like someone’s wife slapped him down for idiocy.

22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

Newspaper? What century are you being modern in? Now if you said let’s the dog out or some such, maybe.

23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

Michael who? And owning gadgets has little to do with being a man.

24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

I’ll give him this one, with the caveat that circumstance can change that.
Expecting a call from the boss or having family in the hospital etc. can change that priority.

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

Someone has obviously mixed the word man with the word slave.

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

A man cries when he needs to. Mostly he makes sure he doesn’t need to.

27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

Actually I’m pretty sure people either know or don’t care. And since I don’t see you leading Riverdance or some other sort of show I’m pretty sure you haven’t a clue what good dancing is. You certainly have proven you have no idea what a man is.

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