I was sitting in a college orientation listening to the ‘rah-rah’ which was literal, in this case, and I’d commented on social media I was having trouble not making snarky comments. Partly because I graduated not-that-long-ago and I’m maaaybee a bit cynical about these college officials and what they say to parents versus how they treat students as disposable cash cows. But my friend stood up and filled in for what I wasn’t going to say, and in typical Wolfie fashion, it’s rough and tough full of truthiness.
Envision a wolf wearing a sharply tailored zoot suit strutting up on the stage and popping his collar…
You don’t want to snark? Let uncle Wolfie have a go…*hacks and drinks some milk to try and clear some of the very fresh crispy really fucking bitey, jalapeno burning sensation from my throat* Ahhh fellow parents and family members of incoming students, annnd you incoming students, lend me thine ears! The faculty here can feel free to tune out for a couple minutes. Kids? I’m gonna call you kids because I’m fucking old, deal. The faculty here will start giving you all this ra ra ra speechifying. About how awesome this useless edifice of supposedly higher education is and by extention, how awesome they are. Now some of them might actually be worth their overly high salaries and benefits. I doubt it, but it does happen. Now.. Why? Because they WANT you to stay. At least 4yrs.
By show of hands, how many of you incoming students of this highly indistinguished institution already have locked down or plan to lock down, part time jobs to supplement whatever loans you might have? *waits for show of hands* Ahhh now I’m guessing some of you are here for liberal arts degrees, some for business and whatever else you might be doing. Those of you in the business and engineering, sciences, mathematics and other classes can expect a decent nights sleep to be a thing of the past. When you aren’t in class you’re going to be either working on classwork, labwork or AT your new job. Depending on the job and leniency of your new bosses you might even be studying while on the clock at your new job. I bid you joy of that grind, it was never my favorite thing. However it will be necessary.
Now for those of you in the liberal arts category…you are most of you , going to be working part time, pissing away your money and have your so called professors tell you about the wrongs of the world and the social injustices as they see them, and working on swaying you to their mind set. You can do two things. you can be smart enough to call them on it, because you’re better historically read than they are, as to the way the world works, or…you can become good little mindless drones. Who spout your professors, the main stream media’s and…most importantly the the federal fucking gov’ts talking points. This I leave up to you.
Oh back to what you’re taking for a minute. Math and business majors? Any of you REALLY good at doing large sums in your head? Oh good. Now just for the sake of argument..lets say your tuition each semester is 8k. that’s if you’re a local. it’ll nearly double if you are from out of state. You go for the fall and spring semesters and skip summers to build up revenue working full time during what would be the summer semester. This is simple math even for me, that comes out to 16k for basically a year. Right? *heads nod* WRONG that money does not include lab fees, or any other fees related to your specific course work like equipment. This ALSO doesn’t include tiny insignificant things like FOOD for the weeks or months you’re here. Now if you happen to live nearby and off campus it ALSO don’t include your rental fees on the apartment you live in, or gas/insurance etc for your vehicle, doctors appointments, equipment like cameras or computers you end up buying for school or your specific course… etc, etc ad fucking nauseum ad mother fucking infinitum. Or for you that don’t grok what I just said it means for ever and ever til you wanna puke in a never ending loop. Now some of you supposedly smart kiddies out there are thinking, but yeah I got a gov’t backed loan, I’m good. *facepalm* if you REALLY think your LOAN is going to cover all that? You’re REALLY fucking bad at math. It’ll cover SOME, not ALL. Now if you have a good enough scholarship, that and the loan will cover a fair chunk. But those really good scholarships tend to go to sports players and those in the STEM fields. Depressed yet? GOOD. I want you actually thinking this shit THROUGH instead of letting these fuckers that are going to be blowing all this rah rah, sunshine, rainbows and unicorn farts, sucker punch you!
Oh how many of your who are here on sports scholarships think you’re going to be playing pro ball for whichever sport, after you get out and making lots of money as a major league sports star? *takes a drink and ends up spitting it out at the show of hands* Okay, that one was a bit of a shocker. Hands down sports enthusiasts. Okay…got a really depressing news flash for you, only a small percentage of you will get picked by a major league team. Only a small finite percentage of you, will actually get to that ‘millions and millions upon fucking untold millions’ of dollars to play, so you kids BETTER be as good as you think you are. Also..here’s the thing that sooo many up and comers in the sports world among football players for sure, not sure on the rest of the sports, don’t know. In the NFL? You can sign a contract with a team but..if you don’t get PLAY TIME? You. Don’t. Get. Paid! I see looks of shock. What? You thought you were gonna get paid to look pretty and sit on your ass? don’t work that way. Nice dream though.
Now that I’ve shocked and insulted your supposed teachers, and shocked the ever loving shit out of you young uns with reality..and embarrassed the ever loving shit out of my niece..I’ll leave you with one more happy thought. Those gov’t backed loans you think are so great? Guess what? You can NOT write those off if you ever have to file for bankruptcy. THOSE still have to be paid. Because what so many of you FAIL to understand is that the GOVERNMENT IS We the people, and we the people expect a return on our goddamn investment! For those of you in STEM and business fields, unless you flunk out, or switch majors, I expect good things of you. Those of you going after liberal arts degrees? YEah I expect to be laughing at your willful ignorance and naivete til I die. Go ahead liberal arts majors, shock me. learn something and impress me and don’t follow the herd. That is all
*Walks off the stage amid the stunned silence,after his blunt and nasty speech. Said silence soon to be followed by screams of outrage and denial in 5. 4. 3. …* damn where’d I put those earplugs.