Curmudgeon’s Corner: Teens and the Mall

Written by Sanford Begley

Teens Hot Topics

mall denizens
The dividing of the loot at the mall.

Wife Unit (WU) is normally great to shop with. When we arrive at a store she has a list and we go get it. A little browsing through what is on sale, especially clearance, and we are on our way. The sole exception to this is a Hell on Earth Called Ikea. A torture device designed to make HU scream “Buy any effing thing you want, just let me out of here!”

So when DU2 and DU3 wanted to go someplace called “HotTopix” to spend their Christmas loot I was unconcerned. WU said it would take about half an hour and she would take SU1 along with them. I was going to laze around the rather cozy entrance to the mall and enjoy some unseasonable winter sun. Smoke a cigarette or two and relax. A stress free time without the children would be marvelous. I love them, but I’m out of practice of having them around full time. A perfect little break in the routine.

Now I expected to wait a little; all men have experience with waiting on a woman. Brad Paisley and Andy Griffith even joined forces on a song about it. One of many songs and stories on the topic, it seems to be a universal experience. Another universal experience is finding that the store you are waiting for them to return from is not the one you think they are going to. In this particular instance the teen’s HotTopix was actually Hot Topic. Not a problem, I’m just an older fellow who is not with it on what is hip. I think the age where men cease to understand what women think is hip is about three.

Cat cosplay
DU3 decided to become a kitten for the day. Who knows?

While enjoying my break from pretending to be a responsible adult, I watched the Strange Wildlife that approached the mall on various expeditions. There was an adorable little girl, blond curls and blue eyes holding her father’s hand and looking up under her lashes at a little dark eyed boy. He was clutching his mother’s skirt and half hiding behind her. Like all children they became friends in a moment. They fought and hated each other the next, then puberty came along and they dated. They broke up and got back together several times. Eventually they married. Soon a little boy made them three, until his sister made them four. Their little girl grew up to become a lovely lady. The boy, when he finished college, joined the marines… 

About this time I decided I had been there long enough and went looking for the wife unit. I met my family  right after they left the toy store where they went to bribe SU1 after dragging him through every girlie store in the mall. Remember, gents: teens and a mall will make you old before your time.

The daughtorial units look rather pleased with themselves after they finished their raiding trip to the depths of the Mall.
The daughtorial units look rather pleased with themselves after they finished their raiding trip to the depths of the Mall.


8 responses to “Curmudgeon’s Corner: Teens and the Mall”

  1. Reality Observer Avatar
    Reality Observer

    Oh, my brother in spirit…

    1. Weary are those who have shared the toil and burden of having given hostages to fortune

  2. Martin L. Shoemaker Avatar
    Martin L. Shoemaker

    I find that the older I get, the less tolerance I have for malls. And it’s not the cliché: old man can’t keep up with the young crowd. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: it’s impossible to get through the place, because all these kids are stopping and chatting and texting and filling up the place instead of keeping the traffic moving. Combine that with the fact that mall aisles have gotten progressively narrower (we have a mall here built in the 60s and another built in the 90s, and I swear the 90s mall can fit inside the aisles of the 60s mall), and it means nobody moves very quickly. That pleases the merchants, I’m sure, since it leads to more sales; but it frustrates me. I want to go in, find one store, buy one item, and get out.

    1. In other words, like most adult men, you are not a shopper, you are a buyer

      1. So a man and a woman are caught outside near a clothing store when the weather suddenly becomes unseasonably cold.

        The woman exclaims, “I’m cold!” and goes into the store. Three hours later, she comes out with a warm coat, a dress, a skirt, three blouses, and a new pair of shoes.

        The man mutters, “Cold.” and walks into the store. 5 minutes later, he walks out wearing a warm coat and mutters, “Not cold.”

        1. Exactly Men go get what they want or need. Women go for the experience

  3. John in Philly Avatar
    John in Philly

    Although I have not yet ran the charge on my Kindle to zero while waiting for my wife, it is a possibility.

    1. I sometimes worry that I will not have any charge when they start 🙂