I’m back to this again: I only have so much energy. There’s a possibility I could garner a bit more energy, but before I can get there, I have to work through having less energy, because frankly I think I’m carrying more weight than is optimal for my body and I need to shed some of it. Which means energy burned on a physical level (I’ve been here before and know what I need to do, just need to figure out how to find the time to get it done) out of spare energy I just don’t have. It’s a rock and a hard place. I’m in a semi-sedentary job, where there are days I’m on my feet all day, and days I am at the desk most of the day. Today was one of those on-my-feet until they hurt days, and it solidified my internal knowledge that I really need to take off a bit of weight. It’s not so much diet – yes, I eat really good food and blog about it, but that’s not a daily thing. It’s a directed exercise thing. I can’t do a gym, that’s not only an expense I don’t care to add to the household budget at this time, it’s a time thing again. I have no idea if there’s one between home and work… I do know that there are hiking trails between here and there, and those I plan to utilize.
What I’m struggling with is the mental fatigue right now. I’ve been in and out of this fugue of exhaustion for years, now, dealing with school and work and sometimes just family stuff. I can only take on so much before I feel my knees start to buckle, as it were. At the moment it’s my writing that is getting the short end of the stick. I find myself with some time to write, but I don’t have the energy to. I just… sit and stare at the screen. When I have story flicker to life, I don’t have the time to write. When I do, I can’t. So my quandary is: do I burn myself to a nub exercising, not writing, and putting some other things off too, in order to lose weight and possibly get a net gain in energy? Or do I try to adjust in other ways?
it’s not a quick decision. I’ve got a commitment tonight that will burn through all my time until bedtime. I have two, tomorrow, and possibly will be working late, to boot. And then… and then… I hurt, at the moment, and that affects my ability to make a good decision. So I’ll talk to my partner in life, because together we’re better than me trying to figure this out on my own. I’m tired body and mind.
I try not to whine on the blog, so please understand that this isn’t a complaint. I love that I am so productive and busy I can’t think straight by the end of the day. I’ve been bored and this is not that, and that’s a good thing. Er. Badly phrased: I’m blessed and life is good. Life is so good that my cup overfloweth and it’s time to taper back some of the things that make it overflow so I’m not always a mess. I worry about being able to give my commitments the best of me, whether it’s the committee my kid volunteered me to be on, or the clients I owe art to, or the books I’m trying to write. I’m working on being a more efficient time-manager, looking for things like audiobooks to do the research for works in progress by listening while I’m working (which is perfectly acceptable). I’m trying to get rest, and not plan too many things. All the things!
But I’m tired, and it affects me. I don’t like that feeling. On the other hand, it’s not as bad as it could be. I’ve been tired and depressed, and that really sucks. Right now I’m tired and happy and that’s only frustrating because I have all these cool things I want to do and I just can’t. I was listening to a thing about the Nobel prize for the discovery of the genes that regulate our circadian rhythms, which occur in every nucleated cell in our body, and I wondered if the next step would be the ability to sleep less, through genetic manipulation. I know from experience that skimping on sleep does Very Bad things to me, so I really try to get enough. But I could do so much with just a few hours more of not-tired awake time!