Generally speaking, I’m pretty sure I’m Lawful Good. I was raised to be a good girl, and even now I follow rules and stay within laws as best I can – figuring, of course, that there are an awful lot of them and I don’t always know what they are. I’ve mentioned before, I think, about the story I’m writing titled Ten Pigeons, which was born out of a federal law that you cannot import more than ten pigeons a week, unless they are from Mexico. Yeah. We have some very odd laws on the books in our country. I follow a twitter feed called Crime a Day that shares some of the more absurd. That’s about the only thing I go look at Twitter for, because it’s funny.
But I was having a conversation about rules with my coworkers, which was one of those fun conversations that started out talking about drying one’s hair in the car vents on the way to work, and I mentioned that I knew of a rule where girls were not allowed to be in public places with wet hair. To set the scene, this is taking place on the campus of a very conservative Christian college (I won’t name it, it’s not one I attended but it’s by no means the most weird rule), where most of the women were encouraged, if not required (by their sect, I should be clear, not the school) to have long hair. As someone cocked their head and asked ‘why is that even a rule? Wet hair? What?’ I was reminded of the Christian college I’d attended. There were a lot of rules. Most of the time, as someone who grew up in a law-abiding household with gentle boundaries on behavior, I didn’t think too much about the rules in my life. Sure, I argued and won the case for allowing girls on sledding trips to be allowed to wear pants instead of skirts even though it was a church event and we weren’t supposed to. But most of the time I ran around in skirts because it was the thing to do. Heck, I’ve ridden ponies (astride. Never have been in a sidesaddle although they look cool) and bikes in long skirts. That’s just when you gird up your loins and make sure it doesn’t fall into the bike chain.
But one of the single stupidest things I have ever heard a supposedly grown man with a doctorate say was what the Dean of my college said during a whole-school assembly. Now, keep in mind this is a small school. There were about 300 students during my year there. And yes, many of the girls were openly there to get their MRS degree. I wasn’t, but I did it anyway. I digress… There had been some grumbling about rules, since some of the rules on campus were plainly silly – for instance, the groundskeeper got in trouble for being seen holding hands on campus with a woman. Now, mind you, they had been married for 20 years. But it might have set a bad example regarding PDA for the students. Me? I was part of the group pointing out dryly that it might be a grand example of what to look for in a marriage, that after 20 years you still want to hold hands. That, among other things, led to the Dean standing up there telling us, mostly still teens or very-early twenties, that some of the rules at the school existed just to teach us how to follow rules.
Um.
Wut?
Dude. You don’t tell a student body that unless you want to inculcate all the wrong feelings about your rules.
It’s been more than twenty years since he said that, and I can still feel how my jaw dropped at the time, and my sensations regarding his pronouncement have not changed. I’d never say that to my kids. Not now, not when they were toddlers. Rules for rules sakes just lead to all the rules being suspect. Why bother following the rules when some of them mean nothing?
Sure, when my kids were very small, I’d tell them not to do something, and when they asked why ‘Because I said so’ them. “Why can’t I jump on my bed?” I look up from putting a butterfly bandage on a small scalp. “Because I said so.” Until they reach the age of reason (which is different for every kid) that’s sufficient. Young adults, on the other hand? I’m going to sit down and have a conversation with them. Help them understand why I’m saying no. I just had this exchange with the Little Man via email…
“Dear mother,
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12 responses to “Rulebreaker”
LOL at the Little Man’s letter — it WAS a good letter! And if the situation re: cats at your house ever changes, he can have one of ours. We seem to have ended up with SIX cats, after arriving here with only one!
Your feeling about the Dean’s remark on rules mirrors my feeling when some friends of ours in Alaska said they said No to their son on occasions just to say No. I said no to you girls when necessary (if it was something we couldn’t do for whatever reason, or I didn’t think it would be a good thing for you to do), but never just to say No.
On the other hand, a lot of college students DON’T seem to have enough sense to get themselves to bed on time, LOL! They aren’t all as mature as you girls were.
Goodness! Last I knew, you had three.
You and Dad handled it pretty well, I think, looking back. And I never had trouble with bedtime – come ten, at latest, I was in bed! No, really the rule needed to be to get them in trouble if they fell asleep in class. Seems the year before I went, kids were staying up all night playing Rook, then nodding off in classes. So that was where the rule needed to be.
Our biggest rule at home was quoted as either “Don’t get caught” or “Don’t get in trouble”. If i wanted to stay up all night reading, I was more than welcome to. But if I thought that meant I could nod off at school the next day (or call out sick from work), I was out of my mind. I didn’t have a curfew when I was dating, but see above about nodding off the next day.
I’m sure there are other examples, but that’s the one that always comes to me. But my parents managed to raise 5 very different kids, and we all learned to adapt to the world in the way that best worked for us individually.
My friend brought over one of her barn cats — Luke, he’s a sweetheart. And we have the other two kittens, though my friend will probably take them home when she’s not on the road. So two of the six are part-timers, but will be here more than there until my friend retires in a few years. And they are ALL outdoor cats now! No more cats in the house! (Kittens were using my legs for a jungle gym with their sharp little claws, and when your sister is in a bad mood, she can be rough on the animals.)
And your point about the students needing disciplined for falling asleep in class is a good one. But it is possible to stay ‘awake’ (more or less) in class, and still not get out of it what they would have if they’d gotten enough sleep the night before!
Probably safest for the kittens to be outside, yes… If we have a cat here it will likely be in/out. We have neighborhood cats so I think they’d be safe that way, unlike at the NH farm where it usually led to them disappearing in 6 months.
Kittens are delicious.
Lol! Your avatar speaks truth…
Chaotic neutral….
I heard the same thing about rules when i was in basic training, because trainees in BCT have a bunch of rules that don’t exist for the rest of the Army and someone asked…
Which is also a stupid thing to say… although I get it with the military. Basic, as I understand it, is trying to break a man and remold into a soldier.
23 skidoo
“…until they reach the age of reason…”
Well stated and I’m going to be using that statement in the future.
There is that point when you can change “Because I said so.” To, “Because if you do you will be dead, injured, ill, have regrets, have less money.”
There is also much to be said for allowing enough mistakes to teach that there are consequences.
Fine lines and tough choices as a parent or a leader or a supervisor.