You crawl over there......

Falling into Place

I wrote a lengthy post over on my Substack. I  try to do a long-form essay there every Wednesday. This one is on how easy it is to become rigid, fixed into place, and stop learning new things. Or, alternatively, how change is hard because it requires learning new things. 

I am, myself, fighting a small bout with Imposter Syndrome. This is not new. For me, it’s almost ho-hum routine, I just don’t talk about it often. 

For reasons, I usually feel out of place and awkward. I’m very uncomfortable going anywhere without an invitation, and I’m prone to wondering if they actually wanted me, or if it was just polite and can I edge along the wall and out the door now…? 

It’s easier to remain unseen. 

It’s frightening to have someone really see you. It’s also exhilarating and validating. 

Every time I think I know something, I remind myself that I don’t. Not really. Someone knows it better than I do. I’m not that confident. 

I just sound that way in text. 

I’m no expert. I have a lot to learn. So much! I’ll never stop learning, therefore I’ll always be an imposter and intruder. 

That’s my place, right there. The spot outside the room, where it’s dark and quiet and no-one’s looking at me.

2 thoughts on “Falling into Place

  1. Natural inclinations, training and experience have left me with a bit of the equal and opposite:
    “I always feel like, somebody’s watching me.” Evaluating. Judging.

    A career in counterintelligence was minor form of hell on this aspie-introvert. You have to be outgoing and pretend to like and get along with almost everyone while being completely suspicious of absolutely everybody and professionally paranoid. It was yet another face to wear on different occasions. So many faces…

    On the other hand, it improved my ability to detect lies tremendously. Watch their body language. Even when they control their face and hands, few people can simultaneously control their feet as well.

    “Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make ye fret.”

  2. Your comment made me think of “Let’s pool our ignoraance” and Dr. Ivo Robotnik in the “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie. Robotnik makes the comment about being the smartest in the world has a curse – everyone else sounds stupid.

    Which when I heard it I said it proves he isn’t the smartest. Because the smartest person in the world would realize how much he doesn’t know and would be eternally fasinated by everything he learns from everyone he meets, even when they aren’t trying to teach him anything.

    Ignorance makes me an imposter; pooling it makes me at home. I tend to sound rather self satisfied in my collected humility.

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