Musing, writing

Ad Abstractum

I’d apologize for being busy, but I’m not gonna. I’m not sorry. Busy is good, for me. There’s a fine balance between too busy, and just busy enough. I’m wandering back and forth across that line. Sometimes multiple times on any given day.

There’s a line in one of the Avengers movies where Bruce Banner says, intensely, that’s my secret. I’m always angry. Which is when he can tap into his alter ego the Hulk.

I am not always angry. I am always busy. Literally need to schedule any given moment of the day. If I have free time on my hands, I’m sure it is because I have forgotten what I am supposed to do. And usually that is the case. Or I have decided that I am taking Down Time. I have learned through sad experience that if I do not peel away all the tasks and worries every so often, I get physically ill.

I’ve asked doctors about this. They either look at me blankly and insist there is nothing wrong with me, or look at my middle and suggest I’d have more energy and endurance if I lost some weight. (And for the inevitable: yes, my thyroid has been tested. Thoroughly). Well, be as it may (and I am currently down 23 lbs since March when I’d had enough of my shape), my husband thinks that it’s my body’s way of pumping the brakes.

He may be right. I’ve noticed I do much better when I am careful to pace myself. So I do try not to overschedule. And to put ‘rest’ on the schedule. I’ve discovered that when I do have down time, I create art. It’s where my brain goes all happy and warm. Reading switched on the writing, yesterday. And I’m writing a lot. Carefully.

I don’t want to burn out. Not now. Not while I am being productive, hammering out a daily routine, and getting into a groove. If I let it, it could be a rut. But to be honest I’d like some boredom and predictable days. I can be more productive on those than I can days of ‘surprise!’